I was watching the inappropriately named Travel Channel the other day when they were showing an interview with one of their show hosts. He said that once, while in Europe, he was having a pizza with clams on it and being an adventurous traveler…so he thought that he should go ahead and bite into the clam shells. Unsurprisingly, even being in Europe, a clam shell is incredibly hard and the host had to be told not to eat them.
By now you’re probably asking yourself where I’m going with this? Travel Channel used to show programming that actually was about travel; they’d send Samantha Brown to various interesting locations and she would tell us interesting things about them. The kind of interesting things that you might expect to get from a travel channel…a brief glimpse of the local scenery and culture, just enough to make you want to…say…travel to some of these places.
Then there is the Travel Channel of now, which would be more accurate to call it the We Send Someone Somewhere to Overeat Channel. Anthony Bourdain has the closest thing to a good show on that network, and he recently assailed Paula Dean for her horrible cooking style that makes people fat. Around the same time his remarks were printed and were gaining traction, Travel Channel was airing a special about the best places to get fried foods, such as fried twinkies, fried ice cream, fried candy bars, and other such bastions of healthy eating. Their other shows include such things as Best Places to Pig Out, Man V Food (which is the host going from city to city taking on how much can you eat challenges), Best Truck Stop Foods, etc.
When you look at the shows on Travel Channel, the one thing they have in common is someone going somewhere to see how much they can eat, and the one thing that they all lack is any travel. I’m not sure how the rest of the world is, but I don’t really plan my vacations around where I can get a hamburger with 17 beef patties, so I don’t really consider that a travel show. Seeing some guy try to eat a six pound burrito doesn’t draw me to Santa Fe, or really make me want to go there at all.
All that being said, isn’t it time for Travel Channel to change its name to The Gluttony Channel? To help them along their way, I’ve even come up with a couple of shows they could add to their line-up (assuming they can fit them in around their haunted this or that shows.)
- Best Places to Have Heart Surgery
- Top Places to Pig Out While Ignoring Scenery
- Bacon Sculpting
- Ghost Hunting At The Buffet
- Cellulite Masters
- Scariest Places (featuring Weight Watchers and Gyms)
- Deep Fried Vegetarian Foods
- Travel Tips for People Who Can’t Fit Into Normal Seats
- Making Surface Tension Work for You At the Soda Fountain
As you are aware, the role of a childhood friend is a very important one in society. As your neighbor has no parents / one parent who is working out of the country it is very important that you fulfill your duties. It has come to our attention that your performance in one of these key areas has begun to deteriorate. Please seek to take proactive measures to ameliorate this situation before the next review period. Find below a list of area(s) where improvement has been deemed necessary:
___ Waking up in the morning; it is your sole responsibility to wake bearer of this document up every morning in time for school / work.
___ Breakfast making duties
___ Lunch making duties
___ Dinner making duties
___ Not changing with the blinds open for an “accidental” glimpse
___ Cold duties: you are required to prepare rice porridge, get cold towels for the forehead, and lecture about how important it is to take care of a cold.
___ Having a lot of cute friends that could easily fall in love with your childhood friend
Thanks In Advance For Your Cooperation
Since so many of the harem animes are the same generic thing over and over, why not have fun with it by making up a bingo card and playing along while watching? If an event happens, you get a stamp on your card:
- main character sounds like Kyon from Haruhi
- main character has a little sister
- main character has no parents
- main character has a childhood friend who cooks for him
- the school has an ojousama in it
- the school uses bloomers
- main character trips and his hand lands on someone’s breast/butt
- someone lands such that their crotch is in the main character’s face
- main character gets a nosebleed
- episode is a beach trip
- episode is a summer festival
- episode is an onsen visit
- episode involves bathing suits for no apparent reason
- little sister has a crush on her brother
- breasts have that official *squish squish* sound when they’re groped
- someone does the “oh ho ho” laugh with their hand in front of their mouth
- someone says “this isn’t a house…it’s a mansion!”
- episode has a Ruri-type (aka expressionless loli)
- episode has a hyper energetic girl
- the magical can of coffee is used to solve a problem in the episode
- main character has a stash of porn mags discovered
- someone finishes everything on the table despite the food being awful
- main character is indecisive and annoying in general yet has a harem (this is pretty much a freebie)
- main character walks in on someone in the bathroom
- main character walks in on someone changing
- You are pretty much aware of what color underwear all of the female characters are wearing
A lot of anime is getting pretty generic these days, so much so that just about anyone can make one. This is a handy little guide about the ubiquitous things that should appear in your Generime:
- No parents: you can choose yourself whether you want to have them already dead, working in another country, or dying in episode 1. Regardless it’s important that there are no adults in the house.
- Childhood friend: “the distance between childhood friend and lover is very thin” is a statement oft regurgitated in every show, so make sure that your Generime has one. 95% of childhood friends are female and are in charge of taking care of the protagonist of the show because…there are no parents.
- That seat in class: your character HAS to sit about halfway back in the class, next to the window. This is not an option.
- Big boobs = that voice: there is only one seiyuu who can do the voice for your large breasted character. She says “ararara” a lot and is usually the older sister of the childhood friend and pretty dense.
- Gravity distortion: remember that Japan has a different gravity field for breasts, so be sure to include significant movement with the slightest action. This is the same phenomenon that causes the male characters to fall, landing with their hands/face on a breast/butt. It also frequently causes female characters to fall off ladders/chairs and land with their crotch on the main character’s face.
- Tsundere cuisine: if your main female character is tsundere, she can’t cook. Don’t argue, that’s just the way it is.
- Panty shots: put them in every shot
- That guy: every show has that guy who keeps a database of every girl’s measurements in the school. It’s up to you if you want him to be mildly attractive but forever alone because he’s so perverted, or he could be dorky, or fat.
- A-set underwear: every girl, every day wears matching underwear; you can only deviate from this in the case of striped panties (shimapan.)
I hope this is good enough to get you started on your Generime. Remember that if you don’t think you can manage any sort of story, throw as much Moe into it as possible.
If you spend much time watching television, you’ll notice that on various shows the same phrases are used ad nauseum. Here are just a few examples of phrases that should be permanently banned from television:
- This is a great space!
- There’s enough room in here for all my/your shoes
- His and her closets? More like hers and hers closets. Hahaha
- Wow, stainless steel appliances
- This would be great for entertaining
- I really want a man cave
- I’m not so sure about the paint color
- Let’s grab this bull by the horns (talking about Lamborghinis)