“Yes, Luke, it’s me…your former lover, Naruto.”

“What are you doing here?” Luke asked, shielding his eyes from the orange glow surrounding Naruto.

“I was tired of it all, Luke.  Tired of people calling me Narutard over and over, so I decided to create my own planet full of people too stupid to mock me.”

“So…you created a planet of Narutards?” Hermione asked.

“No! I…umm…well…I…shut up!” Naruto seethed as he walked over and stood next to Edward who was still stuffing nuts in his mouth.  ”You see, the vampires and the mopey teenage girls aren’t the only ones on this planet, there are also…the werewolves.  I knew people wouldn’t mock me any more after they saw my vampires with squirrel powers, and they’ll truly fear me when they see my werewolves with the powers of beavers!”

“Beavers?” Hermione asked incredulously.

“Yes, Beavers,” Naruto shouted triumphantly.  ”I studied this for a long time and know, for certain, that beavers are the only animal incapable of being made fun of in any way,” he said smugly.  ”I was torn between that and cocks,” he admitted.

“Luke! I can’t believe that you slept with my boyfriend!” Hermione yelled as she glared at Luke and Naruto.

“Oh, whatever Miss “I got tired of hearing R2-D2 go bloop bleep bloop so I set him on vibrate and then tripped and landed on his head.” Luke said while glaring at Hermione.

“All of you stop this foolishness,” said a voice from the mist as Captain Jack Sparrow walked towards them.

To Be Continued…

“Luke, I’m scared,” Hermione said overactingly as several forms began to come towards their crashed ship through the misty fog.

“Don’t worry, Hermione, I’ll protect you!”, Luke said, his voice betraying the doubt he felt.

One of the figures emerged into clearer view, staring at them blankly.  ”Your ship crashed,” she said, her eyes half-lidded and unfocused.

“Yes, can you help us?” Hermione asked pleadingly.

“It rains here a lot,” the girl said, her damp, lank hair covering most of her face.

“Yes…umm…could you give us shelter? Food?” Luke asked as more of the figures emerged from the fog; all of them looked exactly like the first girl.

“Food.  Yeah.  This is one of the rainiest planets in the solar system.” The girl said in a monotone as she looked up around the thick canopy of trees.

“Umm…” Hermione began, but stopped when she looked up at the tree tops and noticed figures moving through them.  ”What’s that?!”

“The vampires,” the girl said flatly, as the vampire scampered up and down the trees, hopping from limb to limb.

“Why are they moving like that?” Luke asked.

“Vampires have all of the same supernatural powers as squirrels,” the girl said, dropping some acorns onto the ground.  One of the vampires dropped onto the ground and sniffed at the acorn.

“I’m not like the other kids at school,” Edward said, stuffing nuts into his mouth.

“Edward’s not like the other kids at school,” the girl said, watching Edward putting his nuts into his mouth.

“Luke! I think something about this planet makes you stupid,” Hermione said, watching as each girl that had approached fed acorns to a vampire.

“Hah! So you have discovered the secret of my mystical mist technique!” said an orange figure behind them.

“Naruto!” Luke yelled.

To Be Continued…

“Luke,” Hermione said quietly, tears welling in the corners of her eyes, “I don’t want to leave our home….alohamora!”

“Bless you,” Luke said, staring at the bleak horizon of their home-world Vulcan.  ”Come on, Hermione, if we don’t hurry we’ll be late boarding the Tardis.”

Suddenly, from across the great ravine separating them from the blue box of their spaceship, came a booming voice.  ”YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”  Their father, Gandalf, was blocking the way, having erected a barricade of Oompa Loompas.

“You can’t stand in our way, father…alohamora!” Hermione shouted.

“Bless you,” said Gandalf as he set the barricade alight with his light saber.

…To Be Continued