• No parents: you can choose yourself whether you want to have them already dead, working in another country, or dying in episode 1.  Regardless it’s important that there are no adults in the house.
• Childhood friend: “the distance between childhood friend and lover is very thin” is a statement oft regurgitated in every show, so make sure that your Generime has one.  95% of childhood friends are female and are in charge of taking care of the protagonist of the show because…there are no parents.
• That seat in class: your character HAS to sit about halfway back in the class, next to the window.  This is not an option.
• Big boobs = that voice: there is only one seiyuu who can do the voice for your large breasted character.  She says “ararara” a lot and is usually the older sister of the childhood friend and pretty dense.
• Gravity distortion: remember that Japan has a different gravity field for breasts, so be sure to include significant movement with the slightest action.  This is the same phenomenon that causes the male characters to fall, landing with their hands/face on a breast/butt.  It also frequently causes female characters to fall off ladders/chairs and land with their crotch on the main character’s face.
• Tsundere cuisine: if your main female character is tsundere, she can’t cook.  Don’t argue, that’s just the way it is.
• Panty shots: put them in every shot
• That guy: every show has that guy who keeps a database of every girl’s measurements in the school.  It’s up to you if you want him to be mildly attractive but forever alone because he’s so perverted, or he could be dorky, or fat.
• A-set underwear: every girl, every day wears matching underwear; you can only deviate from this in the case of striped panties (shimapan.)

I hope this is good enough to get you started on your Generime.  Remember that if you don’t think you can manage any sort of story, throw as much Moe into it as possible.

Home Shows:

• This is a great space!
• There’s enough room in here for all my/your shoes
• His and her closets? More like hers and hers closets. Hahaha
• Wow, stainless steel appliances
• This would be great for entertaining
• I really want a man cave
• I’m not so sure about the paint color

Car shows:

• Let’s grab this bull by the horns (talking about Lamborghinis)

• Try to spell several words wrong on your resume just so you can see how good the hiring manager is at catching mistakes.
• List every job you have EVER had; it is just an unfounded rumor that most companies only care about the last three or so.  They need to know how proficient you were at flipping hamburgers in your teen years and will likely attempt to contact this employer, regardless of how long ago it was.
• Try to keep your resume as long as possible; most employers print them out before going through them and imagine how impressed they will be with the thickness of yours compared to the others.
• You never know what skill an employer might be looking for, so put down absolutely everything that you can do.  This can range from proficiency with office software to being able to drink a fifth of Vodka at one sitting.
• Rate yourself on your skills so they don’t have to bother asking you about them.  Give yourself so-so ratings on most things so that they will think you are honest.
• Try to schedule interviews for Fridays so that you can get in on their Casual Friday action by just wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
• Always keep your options open, so make sure to feverishly search for other jobs in the middle of your interview.
• Keep friends and loved ones up to date on how you think the interview is going by texting them and updating Facebook / Twitter in the midst of the interview; it’s perfectly acceptable to ask the interviewer to hang on for a second while you do this.
• If they ask you what the worst thing is about yourself, say that you like to masturbate into the water cooler, then laugh uproariously while explaining that was just a joke (whether it was or not.)
• If they ask you what the best thing is about yourself, say that you don’t masturbate into the water cooler (follow-up jokes go a long way.)
• Most companies like to get a feel for how you handle high pressure situations, so when they ask you how you’d respond to a massive outage of some sort say “I’d start looting.”  This shows initiative.
• Salary negotiations can be tricky, so try to give yourself some bargaining leverage by saying that you have a huge meth habit and gambling addiction.

Hopefully this guide will prove very useful to you and by following it you’re bound to find the perfect job in no time!  Good luck!

1. Come up with a good, simple idea for people to get /stay in touch with each other
2. Get a lot of users because people like this good, simple idea
3. Notice that you have a lot of users on your site and start tossing tons of ads and additional features at them to try to gain / keep even more users and make a ton of money in the process
4. Pollute your good, simple site with so much crap that everyone starts moving onto the next good, simple site.
5. Close your site down as you lose all of your users

So as you watch Facebook constantly redesign their site to make it harder to use and Twitter add more and more features that no one ever asked for, start thinking about the next good idea for a social media site as yours could be the next big thing.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

The easier things get, the easier it is to screw them all up – me

The definition of an idiot is someone who doesn’t learn from their mistakes – me

The tallest tree catches the most wind – Japanese Proverb

If you head towards the light, the shadows will fall behind you – Unknown

Specks of dust piled up become a mountain – Japanese Proverb

When I’m good I’m very good, but when I’m bad I’m better – Mae West

If you spend all of your time complaining of things about yourself that you don’t like, eventually you’ll convince everyone else that you’re right – me

People can be like magnets, those who are positive tend to attract far more than those who are negative – me

If you don’t find anything about yourself attracrtive, no one else will, either – me

Sheryl Nome

Fair Warning: This is one of the rare Serious Posts

The one thing that I’ve been noticing a lot of lately is people who run around saying that they can’t do this, or that….they’ve tried hard to quit smoking, quit drinking, quit overeating, but they just aren’t able to do it.  The interesting thing is these people always act like it’s the cigarettes, the bottle, the hamburger that are at fault; they always seem to leave themselves out of the equation.  It would be easier and more honest to simply say “I tried to defeat myself and I failed.”  I think at the point where you go into battle with yourself and you lose is the point where you should just give up trying to achieve anything in life.  I guess these are the same people that want someone else to be responsible for everything in their lives as they are obviously incapable of handling them.  The reason why these things bother me is that I have first-hand experience with some of them and the reason why I stopped doing this and that was because I wanted to.  I didn’t want anything having any control over me, so I just stopped, and that’s all that anyone else has to do.  Sure your body may be a jerk to you and crave this or that, but that’s what the saying mind over matter is for.  You don’t actually need to eat that burger, you’re not actually starving, you won’t die without the next puff of that cigarette.  You know this perfectly well and all you have to do is not do it.

So why did I put Sheryl Nome at the top of the post?  Well, she actually embodies this mindset pretty well.  Anytime she faces an obstacle she assures herself that she can overcome it because “she’s Sheryl Nome.”  Sure, she got a bit disheartened when she found out that she was dying, but that’s perfectly reasonable and she overcame that as she sang in the shelter, saying “if Ranka can be the Princess of Hope then I can sing even in the depths of despair.”  I think this is one of the reasons that I like Sheryl a lot better than Ranka, because she is facing a lot of adversity while going from being the Galactic Nymph to a dying woman crying in the rain in the middle of the street.  Yet, she didn’t give up, because she’s Sheryl.

And how does this relate to someone quitting smoking, or trying to quit drinking?  Sure you can struggle and sure you can face hardships, but the only obstacle you really have to face is yourself.  Then you can look back and realize that you defeated the you that was a weakling and crybaby.

Modern and Warfare!

One of the top grossing games in history is Modern Warfare 2, a game which allows you to not only play single player missions (a fact almost nobody is aware of) and coop missions locally, but without a doubt the largest use for this game is online multiplayer.  The sad thing is that there is no instruction guide for new players looking to get into this online action.  Luckily, as usual, I am here to correct that problem and make your lives better in general by showing you how to best play this game online.

• The most important thing is to pick an online screenname that tells everyone how extremely awesome and tough you are.  Your name should contain either a reference to blood, money, shooting someone, or some form of explosive device.  The best name for beginners would be something like BLOODMONEYHEADSHOTNITRO.  A lot of people won’t know that you’re extremely cool unless you mix the case of your name so that it’s something like blOODmOnEyHEadshOTniTRO.
• It’s important to add a clan tag in front of your name whether you’re in a clan, or not.  Most clans online consist of one or two people anyway, so it doesn’t really matter if you’re the only person with that clan tag.  Clan tag naming is pretty strict in that it must reference either female genetalia or homosexuality.
• The media often tries to portray FPS like Modern Warfare 2 as the root of violent behavior, whch is untrue as you’ll find the online community to be quite caring of each other’s health.  More often than not you will be playing with someone who has the microphone gently inserted into one of their nostrils so that everyone playing with them can closely monitor their breathing.  Many other people like to let you know what their home life is like by talking to their mom or telling their little brother to shut the hell up.  These things can be viewed as annoying only by the most heartless of players, so if anyone ever says anything about your nostril mic, greet them in the warm MW2 way by calling them female genitalia or a homosexual.
• Most of the games that you will play are team warfare, where you and several other people you have never met work together to accomplish the objective of beating the enemy.  As you play a few games you will see that most people attempt to accomplish this objective by picking a sniper class and sitting in one spot for the entire match while never managing a kill.  This balances things out quite well as most of the members of the other team are doing the same thing.

Akin to that, I have decided to create the Weaboo Therapy Foundation for the treatment of such disorders as “everything would be better if I had been born in Japan” and “I wish I were in Japan” as well as the notorious condition of constantly saying “in Japan they…”  You may not realize if you, or someone you love is a weaboo, so there are several easy tests:

• do people not talk to you anymore because you won’t shutup about Japan?
• will you not shut up about Japan?

If you said yes to either of these, then you are likely a weaboo and you should immediately seek help at the WTF.  Our treatment options are cutting edge and range from shouting at you to shut the hell up, or showing you pictures of fat Japanese schoolgirls. We will also help you by taking the profits we make from curing you and using them to take a vacation in Japan where we will eat lots of fantastic food, see great tourist attractions, and buy awesome souvenirs (but we will come back and tell you that it was quite horrible.)

• Explain to everyone that you’re pretty sure football is merely a fully clothed gay porn.  You have guys wearing padded armor, tight pants, who chase balls around while slapping each other on the butt randomly.  Also the team names: Rams, Packers, Bears, Steelers, Cowboys, Buccaneers, Chargers, Raiders, Broncos, Vikings, and the not so subtly named Browns amongst them are all clearly homosexual slang terms.
• Start talking about the nuances of individual episodes of Endless Eight and how each one was totally worth watching (this will annoy anyone, by the way.)
• Have a flame war with yourself about which is better, OS X, Windows, or Linux.  If they’re going to talk about things using vague terms that no one understands, it’s your duty to slip into computer nerd speak.
• While they’re talking about Fantasy Football, you should start talking about Final Fantasy and try arguing with a straight face about how good Final Fantasy X-2 was.  Finish the conversation off by saying you would pick Squall as the quarterback for your Final Fantasy Football team and then dump the water cooler on the floor and tell everyone it was SIN.
• And the best defense is…take your pillowcase girlfriend with you to work to ensure that no one will talk to you in the first place.

• Deadliest Catch: this would still involve catching things and feature crabs, but in my new, far better version of the show people have unprotected sex with hookers to see who can catch the worst STD.
• Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?: this show is the standard setting where the family is unaware that they’re taking part in a reality show.  The son brings his new girlfriend home to meet the family at Thanksgiving, but they’re unaware that she’s really a porn star until the big meal where she makes sweet love to a turkey drumstick on the table; hilarity ensues.
• Meet Your New Grandfather: this is like most of the other group dating shows where a crowd of stupid people all vie for the attention of one person, but in this case the one person is a 90 year old rich woman and she has to select which of the young gold-diggers she wants to marry and make the head of the family when she passes.  This show will be more complicated with the addition of hot bait maids who will try to lure the young man’s attention away and cause him to forfeit his chance at victory.
• Last Man Standing: this will be the survival reality show, but with real weapons hidden around an abandoned industrial complex (aka Detroit) and the last person to leave the area alive wins.
• American AV Idol: this would be a lot like American Idol, but the main difference would be that all female contestants would be auditioning for a part in a Japanese AV (Adult Video.)  Singing ability won’t be quite as important as looks and the load bearing capacity of their face for certain male bodily secretions.
• Endless Eight: taking a cue from Haruhi, the object of this reality show is for all of the contestants to do the exact same thing day after day, and the one that wins is the one that can bear it the longest.