Ahh, it’s that time of year again where you might be innocently talking to someone by the water cooler at work when a few other people join in, and before you know it, you’re deep in the middle of a full on football conversation. These talks are usually pretty annoying for the non-sports fan as everyone around you is speaking in enthusiastic whispers and using words you don’t understand whilst talking about something completely incomprehensible to you. While you might be tempted to nod along and laugh at the jokes and hope no one asks you a specific question that might shed light on the fact you have no idea what’s going on, there are several ways to escape football talk while offending nearly everyone near you. Luckily, I have listed them out for you here:
- Explain to everyone that you’re pretty sure football is merely a fully clothed gay porn. You have guys wearing padded armor, tight pants, who chase balls around while slapping each other on the butt randomly. Also the team names: Rams, Packers, Bears, Steelers, Cowboys, Buccaneers, Chargers, Raiders, Broncos, Vikings, and the not so subtly named Browns amongst them are all clearly homosexual slang terms.
- Start talking about the nuances of individual episodes of Endless Eight and how each one was totally worth watching (this will annoy anyone, by the way.)
- Have a flame war with yourself about which is better, OS X, Windows, or Linux. If they’re going to talk about things using vague terms that no one understands, it’s your duty to slip into computer nerd speak.
- While they’re talking about Fantasy Football, you should start talking about Final Fantasy and try arguing with a straight face about how good Final Fantasy X-2 was. Finish the conversation off by saying you would pick Squall as the quarterback for your Final Fantasy Football team and then dump the water cooler on the floor and tell everyone it was SIN.
- And the best defense is…take your pillowcase girlfriend with you to work to ensure that no one will talk to you in the first place.
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