Ever since my inspiring and quite helpful guide on How To Avoid Death At Sea, I’ve been bombarded with letters and emails from people begging me to write on more topics. (Well, not really, but that’s never stopped me before.) Fortunately this weekend I went to the local Renaissance Festival and was able to observe quite a few things that will help out anyone getting ready to goto one of these things.
Firstly, let’s go through what it’s appropriate to wear if you’re a guy:
1. Jeans and a tshirt (note that the tshirt has to either be faded, black Star Wars shirt, or of a death metal band that no one has ever heard of.)
2. An authentic kilt and scottish attire, or just a pleated skirt and a nice blouse. Make sure to mention several times per minute how convenient your outfit is when you’re in the port-a-john, because we all need that mental image burned into our minds forever. While you’re at it, try to mention a few less times how convenient your Sporran (that would be the belt purse) is since you can keep your wallet, car keys, phone,and how there’s a hidden pocket inside in case it’s that time of the month.
3. A rug draped across your shoulders held together with a wide, leather belt. This is to either give the impression that you are a barbarian, or were spending the weekend at your mountain cabin and racoons stole all your clothes so you just threw on the area rug and hoped no one would notice.
4. Don’t wear armor, but spend lots of time talking loudly to your friends about how you’re spending X dollars having your armor completely redone.
5. Captain Jack Sparrow! Nothing says Renaissance quite like 15 guys all dressed up like a pirate from a Disney movie.
6. Your favorite video game character! After all, you spent all that time working on the outfit for the anime convention, why put it away so soon?
7. Tights with no underwear…actually, no one needs to see this…ever!
For the ladies out there, your outfits are pretty simple:
1. Sexy (fill in the blank.) It doesn’t matter if you choose to be a sexy barmaid, a sexy farmgirl, a sexy princess, a sexy priestess, or a sexy nun, your outfit should practically seep sexiness. Remember that everyone in the world needs to see as much acreage of your breasts as possible, it doesn’t really matter how pale, or saggy they are. And if your breasts are not spilling over the top of your dress to create that appealing Muffin-Top look, then you obviously are not doing something right.
2. Skin is in; your weight is directly proportional to the amount of clothing you can wear. Simply dvide your height (in inches) by your weight and that will give you a good idea of how many yards of material your outfit should contain. So for example, if you are 5’2″ tall and weigh 600 pounds, your outfit should be made out of 0.10 yards of cloth. Remember that as you wear less material, it automatically increases your sexy level by +1.