How to Find a Job

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With the recent economic environment, a lot of people have found themselves out of work and naturally have come to me looking for brilliant job seeking advice.  Here are some of the gems of knowledge that I have spread around on the subject:

  • Try to spell several words wrong on your resume just so you can see how good the hiring manager is at catching mistakes.
  • List every job you have EVER had; it is just an unfounded rumor that most companies only care about the last three or so.  They need to know how proficient you were at flipping hamburgers in your teen years and will likely attempt to contact this employer, regardless of how long ago it was.
  • Try to keep your resume as long as possible; most employers print them out before going through them and imagine how impressed they will be with the thickness of yours compared to the others.
  • You never know what skill an employer might be looking for, so put down absolutely everything that you can do.  This can range from proficiency with office software to being able to drink a fifth of Vodka at one sitting.
  • Rate yourself on your skills so they don’t have to bother asking you about them.  Give yourself so-so ratings on most things so that they will think you are honest.
  • Try to schedule interviews for Fridays so that you can get in on their Casual Friday action by just wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
  • Always keep your options open, so make sure to feverishly search for other jobs in the middle of your interview.
  • Keep friends and loved ones up to date on how you think the interview is going by texting them and updating Facebook / Twitter in the midst of the interview; it’s perfectly acceptable to ask the interviewer to hang on for a second while you do this.
  • If they ask you what the worst thing is about yourself, say that you like to masturbate into the water cooler, then laugh uproariously while explaining that was just a joke (whether it was or not.)
  • If they ask you what the best thing is about yourself, say that you don’t masturbate into the water cooler (follow-up jokes go a long way.)
  • Most companies like to get a feel for how you handle high pressure situations, so when they ask you how you’d respond to a massive outage of some sort say “I’d start looting.”  This shows initiative.
  • Salary negotiations can be tricky, so try to give yourself some bargaining leverage by saying that you have a huge meth habit and gambling addiction.

Hopefully this guide will prove very useful to you and by following it you’re bound to find the perfect job in no time!  Good luck!