Jeffalopolis.com

With the recent economic environment, a lot of people have found themselves out of work and naturally have come to me looking for brilliant job seeking advice.  Here are some of the gems of knowledge that I have spread around on the subject:

• Try to spell several words wrong on your resume just so you can see how good the hiring manager is at catching mistakes.
• List every job you have EVER had; it is just an unfounded rumor that most companies only care about the last three or so.  They need to know how proficient you were at flipping hamburgers in your teen years and will likely attempt to contact this employer, regardless of how long ago it was.
• Try to keep your resume as long as possible; most employers print them out before going through them and imagine how impressed they will be with the thickness of yours compared to the others.
• You never know what skill an employer might be looking for, so put down absolutely everything that you can do.  This can range from proficiency with office software to being able to drink a fifth of Vodka at one sitting.
• Rate yourself on your skills so they don’t have to bother asking you about them.  Give yourself so-so ratings on most things so that they will think you are honest.
• Try to schedule interviews for Fridays so that you can get in on their Casual Friday action by just wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
• Always keep your options open, so make sure to feverishly search for other jobs in the middle of your interview.
• Keep friends and loved ones up to date on how you think the interview is going by texting them and updating Facebook / Twitter in the midst of the interview; it’s perfectly acceptable to ask the interviewer to hang on for a second while you do this.
• If they ask you what the worst thing is about yourself, say that you like to masturbate into the water cooler, then laugh uproariously while explaining that was just a joke (whether it was or not.)
• If they ask you what the best thing is about yourself, say that you don’t masturbate into the water cooler (follow-up jokes go a long way.)
• Most companies like to get a feel for how you handle high pressure situations, so when they ask you how you’d respond to a massive outage of some sort say “I’d start looting.”  This shows initiative.
• Salary negotiations can be tricky, so try to give yourself some bargaining leverage by saying that you have a huge meth habit and gambling addiction.

Hopefully this guide will prove very useful to you and by following it you’re bound to find the perfect job in no time!  Good luck!

People tend to swarm to whatever social media site is hottest and that all of their friends are using, which is perfectly logical as being the only one on any given social media site would be pretty pointless.  We’ve seen the rise and fall of Xanga, Myspace, and we’re probably seeing the slow death of Facebook and Twitter as I write this.  The thing that is almost always universal with all of these sites is that they follow a very certain and defined path to success and failure.

1. Come up with a good, simple idea for people to get /stay in touch with each other
2. Get a lot of users because people like this good, simple idea
3. Notice that you have a lot of users on your site and start tossing tons of ads and additional features at them to try to gain / keep even more users and make a ton of money in the process
4. Pollute your good, simple site with so much crap that everyone starts moving onto the next good, simple site.
5. Close your site down as you lose all of your users

So as you watch Facebook constantly redesign their site to make it harder to use and Twitter add more and more features that no one ever asked for, start thinking about the next good idea for a social media site as yours could be the next big thing.

This is just a collection of sayings that I like; some are mine, some are not. I’ll update the list as more occur to me:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

The easier things get, the easier it is to screw them all up – me

The definition of an idiot is someone who doesn’t learn from their mistakes – me

The tallest tree catches the most wind – Japanese Proverb

If you head towards the light, the shadows will fall behind you – Unknown

Specks of dust piled up become a mountain – Japanese Proverb

When I’m good I’m very good, but when I’m bad I’m better – Mae West

If you spend all of your time complaining of things about yourself that you don’t like, eventually you’ll convince everyone else that you’re right – me

People can be like magnets, those who are positive tend to attract far more than those who are negative – me

If you don’t find anything about yourself attracrtive, no one else will, either – me