As part of my daily trials and tribulations of being an Otaku Life Coach, one of the things that I notice is people who start watching anime and Japanese drama and listening to JPOP sometimes start getting a little too into it. While the world of anime is indeed very interesting, it should be remembered that it’s not what things are actually like in Japan. So while you run around the internet saying how great everything in Japan is (even if you’ve never gone or have only gone on vacation) there are some things that should be remembered about real Japan. As a foreigner, you can never become a citizen. You can get a permanent resident alien card after a long time, but that still won’t allow you to vote. As a foreigner it’s also important that you keep your alien card on you at all times since Japan doesn’t have the notion of presumption of innocence so you can be stopped at any time by the police and asked to present your alien card and if you don’t have it you can be arrested. There are also reports that Japanese police are giving random drug tests to foreigners in Shibuya and Rappongi (source: http://boingboing.net/2009/07/01/japanese-cops-hassli.html) Not to categorize everything in Japan as being bad, since there are a lot of things about the country that are very good, but as someone who views the country primarily through the lens of anime, drama, and music, you need to realize that you’re not getting an accurate picture.
Akin to that, I have decided to create the Weaboo Therapy Foundation for the treatment of such disorders as “everything would be better if I had been born in Japan” and “I wish I were in Japan” as well as the notorious condition of constantly saying “in Japan they…” You may not realize if you, or someone you love is a weaboo, so there are several easy tests:
do people not talk to you anymore because you won’t shutup about Japan?
will you not shut up about Japan?
If you said yes to either of these, then you are likely a weaboo and you should immediately seek help at the WTF. Our treatment options are cutting edge and range from shouting at you to shut the hell up, or showing you pictures of fat Japanese schoolgirls. We will also help you by taking the profits we make from curing you and using them to take a vacation in Japan where we will eat lots of fantastic food, see great tourist attractions, and buy awesome souvenirs (but we will come back and tell you that it was quite horrible.)
Ahh, it’s that time of year again where you might be innocently talking to someone by the water cooler at work when a few other people join in, and before you know it, you’re deep in the middle of a full on football conversation. These talks are usually pretty annoying for the non-sports fan as everyone around you is speaking in enthusiastic whispers and using words you don’t understand whilst talking about something completely incomprehensible to you. While you might be tempted to nod along and laugh at the jokes and hope no one asks you a specific question that might shed light on the fact you have no idea what’s going on, there are several ways to escape football talk while offending nearly everyone near you. Luckily, I have listed them out for you here:
Explain to everyone that you’re pretty sure football is merely a fully clothed gay porn. You have guys wearing padded armor, tight pants, who chase balls around while slapping each other on the butt randomly. Also the team names: Rams, Packers, Bears, Steelers, Cowboys, Buccaneers, Chargers, Raiders, Broncos, Vikings, and the not so subtly named Browns amongst them are all clearly homosexual slang terms.
Start talking about the nuances of individual episodes of Endless Eight and how each one was totally worth watching (this will annoy anyone, by the way.)
Have a flame war with yourself about which is better, OS X, Windows, or Linux. If they’re going to talk about things using vague terms that no one understands, it’s your duty to slip into computer nerd speak.
While they’re talking about Fantasy Football, you should start talking about Final Fantasy and try arguing with a straight face about how good Final Fantasy X-2 was. Finish the conversation off by saying you would pick Squall as the quarterback for your Final Fantasy Football team and then dump the water cooler on the floor and tell everyone it was SIN.
And the best defense is…take your pillowcase girlfriend with you to work to ensure that no one will talk to you in the first place.
As I’ve been out and about in my daily activities, I’ve noticed something; a lot of people are really fat. The thing that bothers me is that all of the standard pick-up lines haven’t been retooled for plus sized people, so I’ve fixed that:
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven and landed on three states
Do your legs hurt? Because you’re really fat
That’s a nice dress, it would look good as my floor tomorrow
Either I’m attracted to you or you’re big enough that you have your own gravity field
Do you come here often? Or do you spend most of your time in the kitchen?
You have the figure of a donut, would you like some creme filling?
While journeying around the internet, I was able to obtain secret, behind-the-scenes footage made during the filming of the seemingly-endless Endless Eight arc of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya season two.
