GR: Hello, good to be here.

Now we’ll have Gordon answer some questions received from people striving to be proper Otakus.

Q: I’ve been noticing a lot lately that Moe has been used a lot to help mediocre animes more popular, what do you think about that?

GR: What?!!?!  That’s pathetic! Look at it, look at what you’ve just cooked! It’s raw!!!  You donkey!  Get it out of here!

Q: Why don’t the characters in animes have parents?

GR: I’m not here to hold your hand, yes?  You need to stand up and take responsibility for your dishes.  Look, all of you, this service was PATHETIC!

Q: What did you think of the ending of School Days?  Did it serve as a good warning to people who think a harem would be a good idea?

GR: Look at the state of this kitchen!  It’s DISGUSTING!!!  LOOK AT IT!!! It’s FILTHY!!! You run a pig sty!  YOU PIG!! YOU FILTHY PIG!!!

And with that, we close this session of Special Guest Otaku Life Coach.

Here is a list of everything that they recently banned:

• Rape (including various terms for it)
• Loli (lolita)
• Gang Rape
• Sexual violence
• Cruel sexual play
• Reverse rape
• Shoujo (girl)
• Adultery
• Reverse sexual violence
• Forced
• Group sex
• School council
• Bestiality
• Bondage
• Threats
• Train groping
• Compensated dating
• Incest
• Torture
• Heavy bondage
• Pregnant
• Slave
• Pregnant woman
• Imprisonment
• Impregnation

That’s a pretty long list of things for game makers to cope with and I’m sure that they’re having trouble coming up with game ideas now that Super Bondage Magical Pregnant Slave School Council can’t be made, so I have written a very basic outline for a completely safe eroge.

“Maki and Ken have gone to the same school ever since kindergarten.  After sitting next to each other for years on end they slowly begin to realize their mutual love and affection which has been growing stronger ever since both sets of their parents died.

Maki finally worked up the courage to confess to Ken at the top of the school building amidst the falling sakura petals and they agreed to date.  Most of their relationship was built around filling out mutual consent forms for various stages in their dating.  Ken would decide that he wanted to kiss Maki finally, so he set about working through the long and complicated papers that she and her friends and the class president and the student council and their homeroom teacher and the school principal and the mayor and two member of lower-house had to approve of.

Their love grew and flourished amidst the ink stains and repeated papercuts that all of the paperwork caused them.  They thoroughly enjoyed all of their supervised dates with the government appointed school dating auditor and finally their love reached the point where they were ready for sexual intimacy.

Five years after they both graduated from college and were married they filled out more paperwork and whilst the dating auditor was filming everything to make sure proper routines were followed, Ken and Maki consummated their love for each other in sex.  Sadly, it was immediately afterwards that Maki announced that she had been helping the school council on the day they started dating and Ken was immediately executed.

• The Melancholy of Haruhi Sodomiya
• Elfen Lied About Being A Virgin
• Please Twins (not much work needed on that name)
• Bukakemon
• Boys Over Boys Over Flowers
• Fate Stay All Night
• Assed Exile
• Manwhoreomatic
• Mai Hymene
• Pantsu on the Cliff by the Sea

There are more, but it’s difficult to do this without making it too raunchy.

• Women have exceedingly weak ankles and constantly twist them, causing them to have to be carried on some guy’s back to the nurses office.
• No one has parents: they either died or are working in a foreign country and never come home to visit.
• Anyone going to the hospital for any reason dies; I’ve seen shows where someone has a broken leg and dies
• Colds are treated as deadly-serious (see above) and the person is made to lay in bed while they’re fed rice porridge and a towel is put on their forehead.  This towel is usually changed by the person that is in love with them.
• The person that takes the empty desk next to yours will eventually be your boyfriend/girlfriend.
• Breakfast is either a multi-dish meal consisting of miso, fish, etc; or you’re running around with a piece of toast dangling from your mouth
• All girls grab each other’s breasts while saying “ooh, you’ve gotten bigger! I’m so jealous!”
• There’s one guy in class that always has a database of every girl’s likes, blood-type, and measurements.
• Anytime you are bathing someone will walk in on you
• A can of coffee from a vending machine is a magical item that can help you meet people, make up with people, and make people feel better.
• School festivals only have three options for your class; haunted house, maid cafe, fortune telling booth.
• Your sister isn’t your sister and she’s in love with you
• All schools are haunted at night.
• Any girl walking alone will immediately be hit on by two or more guys who are quite forceful into getting her to go somewhere with them (this is always foiled by her male friend’s timely entrance)
• Playgrounds never have any children on them, just lovesick teenagers.
• Time slows down any time a girl takes her hair out of a pony tail.
• If you stop a girl from falling, your hand will invariably end up on her breast and reflexes will make you squeeze it twice.
• If you trip and fall on a girl, your face will always end up buried in her breasts.

The Stereo: This is without question the most essential and easiest way to let everyone around you know that you are a complete jackass.  The rule of thumb on buying a system for your car is “does it cost more than the car?”  If the answer is yes, then you’re on the right track.  People are generally impressed when they see a Dodge Neon or similar low-cost car rolling by with body parts rattling to the time of whatever song you’re listening to.

The Spoiler: The next essential upgrade for your car is a spoiler.  Some cars come from the factory with a small spoiler, and if your car is one of these, be sure to add several more spoilers on top of it.  Even if your car is front wheel drive and having a spoiler on the back is useless, that’s no reason not to have the biggest one made for your, or any other, make of car.  Buying one made specifically for the car can be expensive, so just get a couple of saw horses with a piece of plywood between them, or a park bench and mount that to the trunk lid.

The Stickers: It’s really important that people know what brand your car is, or what brand you want people to believe it is.  The best way to do this is by getting giant stickers for the front and back windows, and the sides of the car.    If your local Wal-Mart is out of stickers for your car model, just get whatever and put those on.  Another popular sticker type is the flames.  This will give people the illusion that your late model import is actually capable of going really fast (or that it caught on fire.)

The Exhaust: While a modified, super-loud exhaust system may not actually make your car any faster, it will give everyone near your the opportunity to hear the high pitched whining of your four-cylinder engine.  It’s also a great way to let police in the area know that you are driving too fast.

Stick-On Vents: These are generally chromed plastic pieces that you can stick all over your car to convince people that you have a massive engine needing lots of cooling.  It’s not really important to put these anywhere near actual engine intakes as they don’t serve any function, so it’s better to strategically place them to let people near you wonder what you’re trying to cool.  I recommend putting one on each side-view mirror, a couple near the door handles, a few on the trunk lid, and a couple on the windshield.

So with these easy and quick upgrades for your car, you can improve the value of your car and bring laughter to those around you.

The first step in creating your movie is that you need to come up with a creature that will be in it.  Your creature should either by mythical (dragon, gargoyle, vampire) or an animal that can be enlarged to wreak havoc on the world.  If you can’t think of one, list a few animals and mythical creatures out on a dartboard and let the darts decide for you.  If you land on more than one and end up with something like a Vampire Squirrel, the better for you as that would make a fantastic movie. 

Once you have your creature in mind, get extremely drunk and barge into the Sci-Fi Channel offices (hint: it’s the back room of a strip club) and mumble incoherently for several minutes about Vampire Squirrels.  Try to use several different accents so they think you’re really worldly.

When the Sci-Fi Channel people are suitably impressed by your ability to vomit with a Welsh accent, they will hand you piles of money and tell you to get to work.  Immediately spend the money on hookers and crack since you don’t need any of it for filming and head back home.

Once home you will see that Sci-Fi has delivered a tall, wooden crate to your doorstep.  This crate contains Stephen Baldwin, so don’t open it until you’re ready to start filming, or your house will become infested with Baldwins and there’s no way to get rid of them all.

The next thing you need to find is a female friend who looks good in a tanktop.  Sci-Fi channel movies mimmic the real world in that all scientists are quite attractive and expose their cleavage constantly, so it’s important that you can find someone with the talent (breasts) to pull off this demanding role.

Once you have a girl with large breasts, you should have no problem going online and finding someone willing to do all of the computer animation work for you for free.

Your casting work isn’t done here, though; you still need to find a supporting cast.  Go back to the strip club the Sci-Fi Channel headquarters is in and round up some strippers and patrons.  Promise to give them some of the crack you bought earlier when filming is done.

Go back to your house, unpack your Baldwin, and take everyone out to Sci-Fi Scenery Valley, where you can pick your shooting location from: small town, lake, woods, rustic village, or college.  Remember that they have several films shooting at once and other directors are hard at work making their own movies, so just pick whichever setting is open.

Don’t really bother too much with story, plot, and other things that people talk about with movies, because they’re all useless for yours.  What matters is having all of your extras shriek in terror as they pretend they are seeing an oversized vampire squirrel coming at them.  Remember that since gunshots could be heard in the other movies they’re filming at the same time, your gunshots will be added on with computer graphics later. 

It is extremely important to remember that if you fail to get your scientist wet so her tanktop becomes see-through, you will forfeit your movie making rights and have to pay Sci-Fi back the money they gave you and they won’t pay return postage on your Stephen Baldwin, so he will end up living with you.  Since your movie is about a vampire squirrel, it’s perfectly logical that you would try to drown it or something and there’s a mishap with the hose and your scientist gets soaked.

After you get bored of killing off strippers and bar flies, have your Stephen Baldwin electrocute the monster (this is yet again required method of death for Sci-Fi monsters) then hand the footage to Sci-Fi Channel.

In three or four hours, you will be able to sit back on your couch and watch your movie shown on Sci-Fi!

Remember that it’s not important to know what any part of the computer is actually called.  If you are talking about the tower, call it the hard-drive.  If you are talking about the monitor, call it the CPU.  It doesn’t really matter what part of the computer you are talking about, so long as you know the name of random computer parts.  The person helping you will automatically know what you are talking about, as well as be impressed with your knowledge.

Remember that computers don’t respond well to common sense, so don’t try to use any by diagnosing the problem yourself.  If your keyboard doesn’t work and there’s a purple tipped cord dangling from it, it probably doesn’t go into the purple colored port on the back of the computer.  Sure the colors are the same and sure the male and female connectors match up, but that’s likely just a trap, so don’t fall for it.

Remember that if an error message pops up on the screen, don’t write down what the error is, just mention to whoever is helping you that you had one and they’ll probably automatically know what it is.

Remember that your friends and family who know something about computers like nothing better than fixing them.  A dinner date is the perfect time to bring your laptop along to have them look at. 

I hope these few pointers have been helpful to you and will serve you well the next time your computer dies despite your keeping it warm and snuggly with that space heater sitting next to it.

1. Did you write, direct, produce, and cater the film?
2. Is the sole camera used for filming your mom’s?
3. How far into the movie do you go before showing breasts?  Usually the sooner you resort to nudity to gain interest in your movie, the worse it is.
4. Is the soundtrack death-metal from you/your friends’ band?
5. Does your friends’ band double as the cast?
6. Did you goto a rave and hand out free drugs to anyone willing to put on zombie makeup?
7. Did you forgo professional sound equipment and rely on the on-board mic on the camera?
8. Does your movie have one filming location and is that location your house / school?

Hopefully some of these tips will help you to better decide if the movie you are working on is worth working on.  And remember, when in doubt of the quality of it, throw more nudity in.

Firstly, let’s go through what it’s appropriate to wear if you’re a guy:

1. Jeans and a tshirt (note that the tshirt has to either be faded, black Star Wars shirt, or of a death metal band that no one has ever heard of.)

2. An authentic kilt and scottish attire, or just a pleated skirt and a nice blouse.  Make sure to mention several times per minute how convenient your outfit is when you’re in the port-a-john, because we all need that mental image burned into our minds forever.  While you’re at it, try to mention a few less times how convenient your Sporran (that would be the belt purse) is since you can keep your wallet, car keys, phone,and how there’s a hidden pocket inside in case it’s that time of the month.

3. A rug draped across your shoulders held together with a wide, leather belt.  This is to either give the impression that you are a barbarian, or were spending the weekend at your mountain cabin and racoons stole all your clothes so you just threw on the area rug and hoped no one would notice.

4. Don’t wear armor, but spend lots of time talking loudly to your friends about how you’re spending X dollars having your armor completely redone.

5. Captain Jack Sparrow!  Nothing says Renaissance quite like 15 guys all dressed up like a pirate from a Disney movie.

6. Your favorite video game character!  After all, you spent all that time working on the outfit for the anime convention, why put it away so soon?

7. Tights with no underwear…actually, no one needs to see this…ever!

For the ladies out there, your outfits are pretty simple:

1. Sexy (fill in the blank.)  It doesn’t matter if you choose to be a sexy barmaid, a sexy farmgirl, a sexy princess, a sexy priestess, or a sexy nun, your outfit should practically seep sexiness.  Remember that everyone in the world needs to see as much acreage of your breasts as possible, it doesn’t really matter how pale, or saggy they are.  And if your breasts are not spilling over the top of your dress to create that appealing Muffin-Top look, then you obviously are not doing something right.

2. Skin is in; your weight is directly proportional to the amount of clothing you can wear.  Simply dvide your height (in inches) by your weight and that will give you a good idea of how many yards of material your outfit should contain.  So for example, if you are 5’2″ tall and weigh 600 pounds, your outfit should be made out of 0.10 yards of cloth.  Remember that as you wear less material, it automatically increases your sexy level by +1.

1.  Never hang around the young, rich, white guy (YRWG) who is prone to say things like “my father gave me this boat when I got into Yale,” or “just wait until my father hears about this.”  Young, rich, white guy is usually one of the first that the monster will devour because even monsters can’t tolerate him talking for very long.

2.  Never hang around young, blonde, breast implant girl (YBBIG.)  Sure, you will be safe for a little longer than you might be were you to hang out with YRWG, but this particular species of person is usually the next to get it.  After running around in slow motion for a while, getting wet while wearing a white t-shirt, and taking off her top repeatedly for no reason, YBBIG has shown the monster a little skin and he will likely tire of her quickly (this is the same pattern as her romantic relationships,) so her untimely end should come as no big surprise to her.

3.  Always try to hang out with a minority as they are invariably one of the first that the monster eats.  Sure you’ll probably feel a slight pang of guilt as you watch your new friend get devoured while you safely run away from the monster (in slow motion if you’re YBBIG) but the best offense is a good defense.

4.  Stay away from rich old lady, not that they are under any threat from monsters whatsoever, but they are usually found dead a day or two into the cruise under suspicious circumstances that call for a super sleuth to investigate!

5.  If you are underage, do not drink or go somewhere private to have sex.  Monsters, while they might not seem like it, have a very accute sense of moral outrage and will always punish indiscretion with death.

6. If you are overage, do not be fat, drunk guy (FDG.)  Fat drunk guy is usually one of the first to see the monster, but no one believes him because he is always drunk and quite fat.  After a few attempts to warn his friends by saying “no, guys, I swear I saw it, it was right over there” as he points at nothing.  HIs friends usually wander off to partake in 5 while FDG is devoured by the monster.

7.  While it’s generally a well known rule, never say “I’ll be right back” then wander off by yourself.  Most monsters have Pavlovian conditioning to interpret this phrase as “dinner’s ready” and the second you walk away from your friends you are dead.  Incidentally, if you want to speed your death along, you might try saying “guys, where are you guys? this isn’t funny.”

8.  If you see some sketchy looking guy running around with a lab coat on, keep well clear of him because he likely created the monster and the monster is ALWAYS the one to kill him.  Incidentally, they are either the very first, or one of the very last to die, so you could radically improve or worsen your chances of survival by sticking close to them.

9.  Absolutely EVERY monster can be electrocuted.  Sure you will have to try blowing it up, pouring chemicals on it, and annoying it with cliched lines, but none of these methods has ever been a reliable way of killing monsters.  The only sure fire, proven method is to electrocute them.

With these few pointers I hope you are able to survive any ocean going voyage that you might partake of.  For the record, much of this advice is useful for trips to the lake, hiking, or staying overnight in a creepy house.