1. Did you write, direct, produce, and cater the film?
2. Is the sole camera used for filming your mom’s?
3. How far into the movie do you go before showing breasts?  Usually the sooner you resort to nudity to gain interest in your movie, the worse it is.
4. Is the soundtrack death-metal from you/your friends’ band?
5. Does your friends’ band double as the cast?
6. Did you goto a rave and hand out free drugs to anyone willing to put on zombie makeup?
7. Did you forgo professional sound equipment and rely on the on-board mic on the camera?
8. Does your movie have one filming location and is that location your house / school?

Hopefully some of these tips will help you to better decide if the movie you are working on is worth working on.  And remember, when in doubt of the quality of it, throw more nudity in.

1.  Never hang around the young, rich, white guy (YRWG) who is prone to say things like “my father gave me this boat when I got into Yale,” or “just wait until my father hears about this.”  Young, rich, white guy is usually one of the first that the monster will devour because even monsters can’t tolerate him talking for very long.

2.  Never hang around young, blonde, breast implant girl (YBBIG.)  Sure, you will be safe for a little longer than you might be were you to hang out with YRWG, but this particular species of person is usually the next to get it.  After running around in slow motion for a while, getting wet while wearing a white t-shirt, and taking off her top repeatedly for no reason, YBBIG has shown the monster a little skin and he will likely tire of her quickly (this is the same pattern as her romantic relationships,) so her untimely end should come as no big surprise to her.

3.  Always try to hang out with a minority as they are invariably one of the first that the monster eats.  Sure you’ll probably feel a slight pang of guilt as you watch your new friend get devoured while you safely run away from the monster (in slow motion if you’re YBBIG) but the best offense is a good defense.

4.  Stay away from rich old lady, not that they are under any threat from monsters whatsoever, but they are usually found dead a day or two into the cruise under suspicious circumstances that call for a super sleuth to investigate!

5.  If you are underage, do not drink or go somewhere private to have sex.  Monsters, while they might not seem like it, have a very accute sense of moral outrage and will always punish indiscretion with death.

6. If you are overage, do not be fat, drunk guy (FDG.)  Fat drunk guy is usually one of the first to see the monster, but no one believes him because he is always drunk and quite fat.  After a few attempts to warn his friends by saying “no, guys, I swear I saw it, it was right over there” as he points at nothing.  HIs friends usually wander off to partake in 5 while FDG is devoured by the monster.

7.  While it’s generally a well known rule, never say “I’ll be right back” then wander off by yourself.  Most monsters have Pavlovian conditioning to interpret this phrase as “dinner’s ready” and the second you walk away from your friends you are dead.  Incidentally, if you want to speed your death along, you might try saying “guys, where are you guys? this isn’t funny.”

8.  If you see some sketchy looking guy running around with a lab coat on, keep well clear of him because he likely created the monster and the monster is ALWAYS the one to kill him.  Incidentally, they are either the very first, or one of the very last to die, so you could radically improve or worsen your chances of survival by sticking close to them.

9.  Absolutely EVERY monster can be electrocuted.  Sure you will have to try blowing it up, pouring chemicals on it, and annoying it with cliched lines, but none of these methods has ever been a reliable way of killing monsters.  The only sure fire, proven method is to electrocute them.

With these few pointers I hope you are able to survive any ocean going voyage that you might partake of.  For the record, much of this advice is useful for trips to the lake, hiking, or staying overnight in a creepy house.