New Reality Shows!

jeffalopolis — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 20:21:59 +0000

As the genre of reality television continues to be crack for both broadcast networks and viewers alike, we find that the series are starting to get a little stale and using the same premises over and over. Naturally, I was contacted by many unnamed network executives asking if I could come up with a few ideas to refresh these stale shows. Here’s what I have to offer:

Deadliest Catch: this would still involve catching things and feature crabs, but in my new, far better version of the show people have unprotected sex with hookers to see who can catch the worst STD.
Guess Who’s Coming at Dinner?: this show is the standard setting where the family is unaware that they’re taking part in a reality show. The son brings his new girlfriend home to meet the family at Thanksgiving, but they’re unaware that she’s really a porn star until the big meal where she makes sweet love to a turkey drumstick on the table; hilarity ensues.
Meet Your New Grandfather: this is like most of the other group dating shows where a crowd of stupid people all vie for the attention of one person, but in this case the one person is a 90 year old rich woman and she has to select which of the young gold-diggers she wants to marry and make the head of the family when she passes. This show will be more complicated with the addition of hot bait maids who will try to lure the young man’s attention away and cause him to forfeit his chance at victory.
Last Man Standing: this will be the survival reality show, but with real weapons hidden around an abandoned industrial complex (aka Detroit) and the last person to leave the area alive wins.
American AV Idol: this would be a lot like American Idol, but the main difference would be that all female contestants would be auditioning for a part in a Japanese AV (Adult Video.) Singing ability won’t be quite as important as looks and the load bearing capacity of their face for certain male bodily secretions.
Endless Eight: taking a cue from Haruhi, the object of this reality show is for all of the contestants to do the exact same thing day after day, and the one that wins is the one that can bear it the longest.

Unhelpful website design tips

jeffalopolis — Sat, 30 May 2009 06:22:14 +0000

A lot of people come to me saying “I see some of these sites on the internet that make me want to pour boiling water onto my eyeballs, how can I make something as memorable for my site visitors?” Well, here’s a handy guide on how to make an unforgettable webpage:

Your computer comes with numerous pre-installed fonts for a reason, try to use all of them on the same page; different sizes, too!
The human eye is naturally attracted to movement, load as many animated gifs as you can onto your page.
Red flashing text gets your attention, make your entire site red, flashing text so that people know what you have to say is very important.
Thumbnails are overrated; just put the full 23MB image on the page and simply constraint the proportions. It’s much easier on you and it gives your visitors time to go get a drink while they wait for your page to load.
Image hosting is expensive, so always try to just link your image source directly off someone else’s site. It saves you money and makes the webmaster of that page super happy.
Everyone needs to experience your taste in music; make sure to have blaring flash audio hit visitors the second they land on your site.
Use your website as a mood-ring. If you’re in a good mood, make the text light pink on a white background; if you’re in a bad mood, make the text dark gray against a black background.

Jeffalopolis.com » humor

New Reality Shows!

Unhelpful website design tips